If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
