Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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