Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
