Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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