what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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