Your dad touched me again.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
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I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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