I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i now understand why vodka
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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