u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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