Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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