WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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