What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
