I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
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Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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