you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
