I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
