I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
