I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
