The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
