He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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