I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
