the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
