Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
