if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
