Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
