I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
