She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
