my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
