I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
