drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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