If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
