he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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