When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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