Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Houston, we have a blender
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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