I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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