How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
