you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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