I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
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You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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