drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Couch. On fire.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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