Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
