Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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