...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
