if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize