wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
