I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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