Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The air was thick with penises
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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