True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
