i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now