Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale