I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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