In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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