So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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