So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
