Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
