there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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