SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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