They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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