gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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