I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
