No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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