So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
